Fugazi AF

Remember the Miracle Ear, no not the hearing aid, the one that magically regenerated after being hit with a bullet the size of my hand from a high-powered rifle. Evander Holyfield’s ear still looks like the plastic surgeon didn’t have a before picture to work with after Mike Tyson got through with it, and Evander apparently never learned about the restorative powers of a tampon.

Then there was the dude hiding in the bushes at an exclusive golf course which should have been overly protected by United States Secret Service since it was owned by a former president and the official Republican nominee for the November 2024 presidential election. Shots were allegedly fired by one United States Secret Service agent, one of the best WEI hires, White Entitled Incompetent, who couldn’t hit a bull’s ass with a bass fiddle. He missed the would-be assassin crouching in the bushes, a sitting duck, despite reportedly firing four times.

Later, the suspect was stopped by local law enforcement after a “witness” reportedly saw a man run from the scene, jump into a car conveniently parked roadside, then had the presence of mind to snap a clear picture of both the vehicle and the license plate. Can somebody find me the witness interview where this civic superhero proudly explains his timing, framing, and camera settings?

Because what we did get was bodycam footage so sharp and crystal clear it looked like a Netflix police drama. Every movement visible, every command audible, the suspect backing up with his shirt over his head while a swarm of officers closed in. Funny how some moments arrive in perfect HD while the important questions stay blurry.

Then came Saturday and what was billed as assassination attempt number three. At first I called bullshit, and if I’m being honest, I’m still somewhere between skepticism and side-eye.

Here is where my mind went after a few days and a Vegas recovery period. First, wasn’t Oz Pearlman there? I’m not saying a mentalist should have foreseen the whole thing and alerted the presidential line of succession. I am saying if anybody in the room could have read what little remains of the current occupant’s deranged mind, maybe he saw the script before the actors did.

Watch the footage. Some people looked genuinely startled. Others seemed more focused on rescuing bottles of champagne. Kennedy left his former actress wife in the dust. We even got the spectacle of the second in line to the throne allowing his pregnant wife to walk in front of him like an extra layer of ballistic protection. All caught on camera with 4k clarity.

And yet the only grainy footage we get is the suspect running past armed agents at O.J. speed. Next scene, he is face down, half naked, cuffed, and compliant.

C’mon, man.

We know the second “assassin” never fired a shot and was spotted by an advance agent one hole ahead of the nominee, who was never even in the shooter’s sightline.

This third attempt, during a heavily publicized event in a public space, unfolded one floor above the ballroom. Allegedly a shot was fired at a Secret Service agent… and nobody returned fire.

Laquan McDonald was shot sixteen times for holding a knife in the street. This melaninated man didn’t leave with so much as a busted lip.

And this is the part I’m struggling with most: the speed of the response. Truth Social posts appearing less than an hour later, either typed in a fleeing motorcade or prepared in advance. A White House press conference with smiling cabinet members who, two hours earlier, were supposedly inches from catastrophe. Then a full written statement delivered by their king, this time not straying from the script.

Tim Scott, your lion of God has survived another one.

Another squirrel.

Fugazi AF.